


Stare Blankly

by Queenie7



Series: So We Beat On [1]
Category: Girls (TV)
Genre: F/M, Prequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:15:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23975113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenie7/pseuds/Queenie7
Summary: This a set of ficlets that will set up my next fic. It will include Adam, Jessa, Reader, Marnie, and Elijah.
Relationships: Adam Sackler/Reader, Jessa Johansson/Adam Sackler
Series: So We Beat On [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1728574
Kudos: 25





	1. Adam

**Author's Note:**

> “The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald

Sitting in the same apartment he’s had for eight years, Adam no longer feels at home, he only feels suffocated. Everyone else has moved on with their lives: Ray had a new relationship, Hannah had a baby, Marnie went up state with Hannah, yet he was still here. He felt as if he was in a perpetual purgatory, not able to move forward or to go back. His feelings towards Jessa had soured, he now only saw her toxicity and destructive nature. For so long, she and he both believed that his relationship with Hannah was toxic, but Jessa was more toxic than Hannah ever was. Jessa believed that the two of them were the only ones who ever had an intense connection, or real feelings, though Adam knew it to be a sham. Their relationship was built around unhealthy behaviors and tendencies. Deep down, he knew Jessa was a form of his own unhealthy coping mechanisms, and it was never meant to work. It was a way to get lost in another relationship, ignore his real emotions, and get back at Hannah.

Adam knows he has to have this conversation with Jessa. He should have had it as soon as he came back from Hannah’s, but he’d put it off, hoping Jessa would come to the conclusion to end their relationship on her own. It’s been four months since he returned from Hannah, and it was the end of what he thought was the maximum time limit of their relationship. Instead, Jessa seemed to be clinging to him for dear life. No matter how long he was gone, how much he ignored her, she wouldn’t leave. He knew it was wrong to treat her like this, but this had to end and he thought it would be better if she ended it. Now however, he would have to end it because it was clear that she wouldn’t.

“Jessa, we need to talk about us.” He tells her as she sits across from hit at the table. She looks at him with a dismissing glance.

“Okay. We never talked about because I thought we were passed that. You went back to Hannah, realized you didn’t want her, so you came back to me, back to us.” She responds, emphasizes the last statement.

“That’s not what happened. Hannah and I realized that we’re too different now to work.”

“Well you and Hannah were never going to work because we were always meant to work.” Jessa says with a raised voice, yet she says it with absolute conviction. That’s the thing about Jessa, when she thinks something, she won’t let it go.

“Dammit! Fuck! I can’t keep doing this!” He finally yells. _This_ _has_ _to_ _end_ he thinks to himself.

“This? What this?” She throws her hands in the air and quickly adds in a tone that shows that she genuinely doesn’t get what he’s saying, or she won’t allow herself to know it.

“Us….Jessa, we’re in some kind of arrested development or codependent nightmare.”

“What are you talking about?!” She screams at him, but he can hear her voice break at the end. She looks like she’s torn between being enraged, or being devastated.

“Really, have you not noticed that everyone else has fucking move on with their lives but us? We’re stuck in the same spot, the same damn apartment. I haven’t done any real acting in a while, and you just dropped out of school again.” Adam can’t hide his anger this time as his voice gets louder again and he stands up, throwing his chair backwards. It’s all so frustrating: he sees it, and everyone else sees it, why can’t Jessa just admit it?

“They moved on because their lives are boring and we don’t have to because we’re good and what we have is good. We can get a different apartment if that’s what you want” Jessa stands up to move towards him this time as she speaks.

“What we have is good?! Are you doing drugs again? Us throwing shit at each other, then fucking to make it better is not good, or healthy, or normal! We’re destroying each other! Don’t you see that you shouldn’t be someone who was able to leave you so easily and I should be with someone I don’t want to leave?” This time he moves his hands across the table to clear it, all of its content hit the floor with a thud. But he’s sure to look her in eyes as he said the last sentence. He has to make her understand.

“Adam I know you’re having a meltdown, you’re not thinking clearly, what we have is special, it’s intense, real. We can’t give up on it.” She’s not yelling this time, she’s talking in a very calm tone. She thinks that he won’t go through with this, he won’t leave her. She’ll make him see reason, talk him out of it.

“I’m seeing clearer than I have in a long time. It’s over between us. What we have is toxic and we convinced ourselves it was real because we both wanted to feel something real so badly. But’s hollow on the inside, only a façade. And we hang on because it’s easier than letting go.” Now, he’s trying to win her over to accepting it. Adam hopes she’ll understand it, and be tolerable. It feels good to finally say it and get it off his chest. He knew all along deep down in his heart that what he had with Jessa wasn’t real love, but he dismissed it for so long.

‘”I can’t believe you’re doing this! After I gave up everything for you!” She yells as she throws some decorative thing at him, then she knocks the whole table over, along with the chairs.

“Which you can never forgive me for! I know, you’ve told me Jessa, yet it you stay here. You’re so distraught over losing Hannah’s friendship and you still see me knowing that she’ll never be your friend again unless you give me up. So you didn’t care too fucking about it!” Adam screams with venom his voice. She had reminded him of that fact too many times. Yet it never bothered her enough to leave him.

“You have lost your fucking mind!” She screams back at him.

“Look I’ll leave the apartment or you can if you want, but I can’t do this anymore. It’s over.”

“You’ll regret this.” She says as she grabs her bag and heads toward the door.

“Maybe I will but it’s still the truth. Jessa we never had a great love story. We were both addicts with a temper who mistook similarities for compatibility and mistook fucking for passion and intensity.” He tells her as she slams the door. Despite the mess in his apartment, Adam feels the best he has in a long time. He feels free.

3 Months Later

“YES! FUCK YES!” Adam screams in the street. He got the part in a modern interpretation of _Hamlet_ at an elite theater company in Greenwich Village. This was the start of a new life: Jessa had got all of her stuff from his apartment, and he got a new big role. He had been doing some more bigpharma commercials, which were good to fill his bank account, but it wasn’t what he wanted to do. His phone was ringing again, and he answered it a little too happily.

“Finally! That’s great, thanks for letting me know.” Adam says back into the speaker. If things couldn’t get any better, now he finally got a spot in artist housing. He had been on the waitlist forever, and they typically prefer married couples or families, but they accepted him anyway. He walks away feeling like he’s walking on air.


	2. You

The autumn warmed your skin as the cool air kept you getting too hot. You loved the city in the fall: the leaves, the fashion, the waning sun, and the way it felt like a new chapter beginning. You were going to start a new chapter in your life, but you had to close this chapter. You were going to break up with your boyfriend Marc, so you picked the restaurant you had your first date in, and hoped that being in public would help it go better. You take your seat at the table, which is conveniently hidden and more secluded than the rest of the tables.

When you moved to the city, you got an apartment, and got your book published, but you had underestimated how long the publishing process would take. You quickly ran through your savings from when you practiced law, and you weren’t making any money from writing yet, still the rent had to be paid. A friend of yours in the city had suggested being a sugar baby. You were morally against it, but your friend told you there wasn’t’ sex involved. So you agreed to go on one date, and after two dates at two hours each, you had made enough to cover your rent for the month. You decided to do it just until you made enough money from writing to continue living in the city.

There were mostly dinner dates, a few events, and a wedding. Most of your clients were just middle-aged men who were bored in their lives and wanted an attractive young women to be seen with them, or just to listen to them. That’s how you met Marc, and you really liked him from the start. Your scheduled meetings became more and more frequent, then he told you that he wanted a relationship and he offered to pay rent for you to have a place on the Upper West side near him if you wouldn’t go on other dates. You agreed because you really felt something for him at the time.

You settled into your studio apartment on the Upper Westside and he filed for divorce from his wife; they were formally separated when you met. He was an agent who managed artists and he was a part time art history professor at Columbia. Then you started making money from your writing and your books were a success. You felt like you wanted to get a different apartment that you’d pay for with your own money. You found a small place in Tudor and moved in there. When you were on your own, you realized what you felt for Marc was because you thought you needed him, not that you wanted him. In fact, you felt like you were numb and couldn’t feel anything. You didn’t feel anger, rage, disappointment, happiness, sadness: you felt nothing.

Marc gave you a hug and a kiss on your cheek before sitting across from you. The waiter came and took your order, and Marc reached across the table and grabbed your hand. You gently moved your hand back onto your lap as you decided to start this conversation, “Marc, I want to break up.”

“What? Are you serious? Where is this coming from?”

“Yes, I’m serious. We’re just in different places of our lives and we want different things. Why continue on when we could both be with people who are a better fit.”

“I didn’t know you felt that way. We used to have so much in common. But I won’t force you to stay in this relationship that you’ve obviously emotionally checked out of.”

“I’m going through some quarter-life crisis or something, I just feel numb. I want more in every area of my life.” You say and it’s true. That’s how you felt when you quit practicing law and pursued writing, and now you were feeling that way in your personal life. Things had to change for you or you feared you would always feel this way.

“Tell me the truth, was it always about the money? Because it seems pretty clear that you were fine until you didn’t need my wallet anymore.” He says in a tone that is particularly vexing. Well, now you are feeling something: anger, how dare he suggest that? But you also really don’t want to fight, you really just want this to be over.

“No, it was never about the money with you. If you have to ask that, then you really don’t know me at all.” You ask the waiter for the check. Marc stares at you blankly but with tears in his eyes. You don’t make eye contact as you tell him, “Don’t worry, I’ll get the check this time.”

You feel like a weight has been lifted off your chest as you watch him walk away. It wasn’t a bad relationship, it taught you about yourself and a part of you would always care for Marc, but you couldn’t continue it. You were going to better yourself in every way: eat healthier, exercise, see your therapist again, meditate, and put yourself out there.

***************************************************************************************************************************

The room was bubbling with champagne, snacks, and chatter. You’re feeling a bit overwhelmed by this Women’s networking event, it was a gathering of young women in the city seeking professional and personal development. Or at least that’s what the social media for this event promised. There were fashion designers, entrepreneurs, women in finance, and doctors, it was a melting pot of women in various fields. You’re not sure where to go first, so you take your champagne and head over to the food. When you get to the table, you see two people talking: a man with dark blonde hair, sharply dressed, and a woman with brunette hair in a pantsuit.

“Oh my god, this is miserable. I feel like I’m going to pass out from all the perfume. This is how I imagine the Moulin Rouge originally smelt.” The man says and you have to hold yourself back from laughing at his comment.

“C’mon, it’s not that bad. It could be way worse.” The woman says back to him as she puts something on her plate. You finally speak up saying, “I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this networking is far from ‘empowering’ or engaging.”

The man says introduces himself as Elijah, and the woman introduces herself as Marnie. The three of you stand back at the food table talking for most of the event. You find out that Elijah has done acting and dancing, has dated a Dil Harcourt, and that Marnie has a degree in art but also is a singer-songwriter, even though she split from her husband and musical partner. Elijah talks about his place on India Street, which he shared with his ex-girlfriend, who is Marnie’s best friend. Marnie says she moved back to the city from helping her friend raise her baby upstate. You all agree to ditch this event and go grab coffee. You feel like this is the start of friendship.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N meets Adam

You finished setting out the wine and snacks, and were pulling up your streaming services on your television. You were having your first real girls’ night since moving to the city, and it was your first time hosting your new friend, Marnie. You met Marnie and Elijah at the same, boring networking event for young women, and bonded over the wine bar. The three of you started chatting about how lame the event was, but at least there was free wine. You became fast friends and grabbed lunch. You were missing your friends from back home so when Marnie mentioned a girls’ night, you thought it was a great idea. Marnie was bringing the nail polish, and face masks, and you supplied the apartment and snacks.

You had a small one-bedroom apartment in Tudor, and you couldn’t wait to move somewhere else. Your library hardly fit in this apartment and you weren’t ready to give up any part of the collection. The books, broad in topics, helped you win a few episodes of Jeopardy, enough to pay off your law school debt, and it gave you a chance to focus on writing instead of practicing law. You had written a modern Shakespeare series, and another novel which was released last year, and became a best seller. You freelanced on the side to keep things interesting and to be able to afford living in New York City.

You were sitting cross-legged on your couch with a glass of wine in your hand and some kind of specialty mask on your face. Marnie was sitting next to you, posed in a similar fashion but with a cucumber mask on. You had some cheesy romantic comedy on but were too busy talking to pay attention. She recounted the breakdown of her marriage and music partnership with Desi, and talked about helping Hannah raise her baby upstate. She said she moved back to the city because upstate just felt suffocating to her. You tell her you understood, you had moved to the city because you wanted more.

“Y/N, you’re a writer, right?”

“Yes I am, are you in need of writing services? Isn’t one of your friend, Hannah, a writer too?”

“Hannah is a writer but she couldn’t help me. I need to work on song lyrics, and I’d like some help. You’re such a great writer maybe you could help me tweak some stuff.”

“Sure, no problem. I know nothing about music so that’s my disclaimer if it’s terrible.”

“I can appreciate any help I could get. It’s so hard to work on music while I have to look for a normal 9 to 5 job too. Working at the coffee shop just isn’t cutting it and it sucks to see Ray every day.” You had heard her talk about her past with Ray, and you couldn’t blame her for not wanting to see him all the time. You remembered that she had an art degree and you had some connections to galleries in the city.

“Wait, don’t you have a degree in art or curatorship? I have a friend who manages artists and is getting ready to open a new gallery featuring his artist’s work. He’s also a professor at Columbia so he always needs some help.”

“That would be great, that’s originally what I wanted to do. Do you think you could get me an interview, or send him my resume?”

“I’ll see what I can do.” You really don’t want to speak to Marc again, but if Marnie needed a job, you could suffer through a conversation. You and Marc had a unique relationship, with ups and downs, and it was currently over. You weren’t prepared for what talking to him again may entail.

The café was cute, artsy, and seemed to have a variety of drinks and foods catered to hipsters. It almost makes you laugh, but you see your crew motioning for you. You go to the table where you see Marnie, Elijah, a girl with short mousey hair, a cute baby, and another girl with dark hair. You sit down and you can feel the two girls you don’t know watching you curiously. Marnie starts the introductions.

“Y/N, these are my friends, Hannah and Shoshanna. And Hannah’s baby, Grover.”

“It’s nice to meet you guys, I’ve heard so much about you both. And this must be Grover, I’ve heard all about him too. He is adorable.” You say as you watch the baby who’s struggling with his sippy cup. You quickly find out that Hannah has recently moved back to the city, lives on Long Island, and works as an editor now. Hannah also adds that she is single and open to relationships, even potentially getting back with an ex because she thinks she needs closure. _Yikes_ you think, getting back with an ex almost never works well. Elijah is busy entertaining baby Grover and chimes into the conversation every now and then. But you and Hannah are able to have a good discussion about writing and the struggles of being a female writer. Shosh talks about her fiancé, how perfect he is, how she wants to go back to Japan, and about how stressful planning a wedding is. You decently like Hannah and Shosh, but you didn’t know how close you’d be with them, you just had different lives. Everyone at your table then turns to look at some blonde with a British accent coming towards the table.

“Who invited her?” Elijah says icily. Shoshanna answers saying, “I mentioned this to her but she was not invited.” The blonde takes a seat at the table and she introduces herself to you.

“I’m Jessa, their other friend, the bad friend, the one who steals boyfriends.” She says and you watch to see if she’s joking but you’re alarmed when you realize that she is not. You introduce yourself to her, and you can feel that the resentment at the table is practically sizzling.

“Jessa, are you and Adam still fucking or whatever your thing was?” Hannah asks with an edgy tone. You immediately pick up that there’s some drama there, specifically between Hannah and Jessa. Your instinct appears correct because everyone else looks tense as they watch the exchange. Jessa just smiles as she answers, “No, we’re just friends now, but I still talk to him. I hope we can all be friends again now that I’m not with him anymore. Are the rest of you satisfied now?”

“That doesn’t make it any better that you stole her boyfriend.” Elijah snaps at her and rolls his eyes. Marnie and Shosh just watch her, and choose not to respond to her. Jessa turns to Hannah, and says, “Can we talk somewhere?”

“There’s not much to talk about but alright.” Hannah quickly packs up Grover’s things and rushes to leave, she’s obviously frazzled and wants to get that conversation over with. Hannah tells you that it was nice meeting you, gives you a quick hug then is gone. Jessa tells you the same thing, but doesn’t hug you, and it feels like brunch is ruined. That Jessa came in like a hurricane, then left. You must look shocked, because Marnie starts laughing nervously before she explains, “Welcome to the disaster that is our friendship. Adam is Hannah’s ex, then Jessa dated him for a while, it’s a testy subject as you can see. No one wanted Jessa here, and apparently even Adam is sick of her.”

Shosh and Elijah both shake their heads in agreement with Marnie. The remaining four of you continue chatting for an hour or so. You decide that you don’t particularly like Jessa simply because of her history, but to you she seemed decent. You’d keep her at a distance though. Shoshanna was super sweet, a bit chatty, but well-intentioned, you thought you could be friends with her. You thought Hannah was a bit self-absorbed but good company, and you had a lot in common. Marnie promised to fill you in on the friendship drama later.

“I have a job interview with Marc this week, thank you so much for sending him my info.” Marnie says as she hugs you.

“I hope it all works out, it was really no problem.”

“I have a gig this weekend, you should definitely come, I’ll be performing a new song!”

“Alright, send me the details,” you say as you’re trying to decide if you’re excited or not. You’re excited to support your friend, but will her other friends be there? You weren’t sure if you were interested in their group drama, you had enough of your own issues going on.

*************************************************************************

Adam walks into the bar, and looks around. It’s definitely not a place he’d normally venture into on his own. He was here for Marnie’s singing gig, he never particularly liked Marnie but Ray encouraged him to show up. Ray was Adam’s only friend, if he could even call him a friend. Jessa claims she’s his friend now, but she’s not. He’s the one who broke up with her, and she was desperate to stay in his life so she convinced him to be friends, but he knows she’s hoping to make it more than friends again. He looks up at the upper level of the bar, and he sees one of the most beautiful girls he’s ever seen.

She’s standing up there perched against a high table, but she’s clearly enjoying her view over the whole bar. She’s wearing a beige crop top and black skinny jeans, Adam thinks she somehow looks both confident and vulnerable. He makes up his mind that he’s going to talk to her. When he makes to the edge of her table, he asks, “May I join you?”

“Sure.” She nods and looks at him, and continues, “This is the perfect spot for people watching.”

“Definitely, do you see that guy down there in the blue shirt, he looks the typical hipster, he probably complains about being ‘friend-zoned.’”

“That girl there is probably coming off a bad break up and is looking for a rebound. She’s trying to figure out how to look fun but not too desperate.” She laughs, and then her phone buzzes and she says, “I’ve got to go meet my friends but it was nice talking to you, I’m Y/N.”

She reaches out her hand and he takes it introducing himself, “I’m Adam, I hope I see you around.”

********************************************************************************

You go meet up with Shoshanna, and Hannah. Marnie’s getting ready to go on stage, so the three of you stand off to the side of the platform and wait for her to come out. Shosh and Hannah are talking about how Marnie must be nervous before going on stage, and then you hear Shosh say that she doesn’t even know why Jessa showed up. You think that’s great, let’s bring the drama train back. Speaking of drama involving someone named Adam makes you think of the Adam you just met. You figure that you’ll see him at some point tonight, this place is only so big. You’re thinking about his perfect imperfect smile when you see him walking your way. He comes up and stands besides Hannah and they talk as you realize that he must the Adam that she and Jessa have the rift over. Hannah then turns to you, and goes to introduce you to Adam, but you stop her saying, “Oh this is the Adam? I just ran into him a couple of minutes ago.”

“Yeah, we talked for a few minutes. How do you two know each other?” Adam asks as he motions his hands towards you and Hannah, you can see the moment it clicks in his head that you must be friends or acquaintances with Hannah. Hannah answers for you telling him “She’s our new friend. We just met her the other day. Did you know that she’s a writer like me?”

“No, we didn’t have time to talk about that,” he says sheepishly. You try to diffuse the situation by asking Adam what he does, he tells you that he’s an actor. He asks you where you’re from and he responds to your answer by joking that your home might be the only place worse than Indiana. You surprisingly don’t disagree.

“What have you been working on? Every actor I’ve met is like every writer I’ve met: they have projects.” You say coolly, leaning in so he can hear your question over the music. He laughs as he answers your question, “I did a production of _Hamlet_ , and just finished a _Death_ _of_ _A_ _Salesman_ at Minetta Lane. I have some other auditions and projects coming up.”

You recognize him from the production of _Hamlet_ you went to a few months ago, that’s why he looked familiar. Hannah and Shosh has backed away slightly from you, as if to give you privacy to talk. Adam as steps closer to you as you inadvertently take a step towards him too. You definitely found Adam hot, and you were impressed by his work. You’d seen _Hamlet_ and read the rave reviews for his part in _Death_ _of_ _a_ _Salesman_. It was the first time in a long time that you felt nervous around someone. It was a good nervous, but still it was making you more self-conscious than you’d like. You tried to ignore his past with new friends because you could tell that could be a stressful nightmare, but you really wanted to get to know him better. Adam seemed to be smart, non-traditional and interesting. You thought that a compliment was a safe way to start a conversation, or it is with ninety-nine percent of the population.

You take a long sip of your drink and lean in closer to him so he can hear you, “I saw the production of _Hamlet_ , and you were really great. One of the best performances of _Hamlet_ I’ve ever seen.”

“Thanks, I appreciate the compliment. It means a lot, you said you’re a writer so you know about the arts. I’m a fan of your work too, your book was one of the best books I’ve read this decade. ”

“I appreciate art, but my perspective is different from yours because I’m not an actor. Isn’t that the great thing about art though: it means different things to different people, but it’s also universal?”

“I agree, it’s supposed to make people feel something, that’s why I don’t do mainstream stuff. It tends to be shallow.”

“I like modern interpretations of Shakespeare like your _Hamlet_. It’s timeless and universal.”

“I’ve never understood the allure of Shakespeare, he’s overrated and pretentious.” He states like it’s a known fact. You have to watch his reaction to see if he’s joking with you, but you see he’s being dead serious. And things were going so well until he dropped that bombshell opinion.

“He’s the greatest writer of all time. And what writer isn’t pretentious? Most of them are pretentious by default because through most of history a majority of the population couldn’t read or write so writers always represented the upper classes.”

“Okay I’ll admit that Shakespeare is good, he’s made a lasting impact or whatever. But he took works from others, and anytime you have to have a modern interpretation to understand the point, the writing probably isn’t as good as you thought.”

“He wasn’t pretentious in his time. When he wrote it, the people understood it. English has drastically changed in 500 years. He appeals because he used universal themes and timeless human emotions.” You can feel your anger rising, but you can’t help it. He’s was so stubborn, and resolute in his convictions.

“I still disagree. There are thousands of writers who do the same thing and don’t get the credit. But Shakespeare is untouchable because a lot of elitist academics think he is.”

“And the whole world should listen to you. Am I supposed to believe that all of the scholars who study Shakespeare and literature are wrong and you alone are the only one who is right? Who sounds pretentious now?”

“You’re sounding like an elitist. I’m curious, who’s your favorite author?”

“Okay I’ll play along, Dostoevsky or Fitzgerald.”

“That’s my point exactly.”

“Do you think Dostoevsky is pretentious too? He did not go through exile in Siberia to be insulted by some yuppie actor in modern day New York.”

“Did you seriously call me a yuppie?”

“I did.” You say as you raise your eyebrows and take an exaggerated drink from your cup. It added a dramatic flair to your comment, and you felt like you needed a drink with the way this conversation was going. Apparently your yuppie comment struck a nerve because Adam’s voice deepened when he responded, and his new tone was accusatory.

“I know what your problem is. You’re so used to being the smartest person in the room that you can’t fucking handle it when someone is just as smart as you. Because you feel that way, you assume you’re always right and you refuse to let anything go.” You can’t tell what makes you madder: his tone, or the fact he presumes to know everything about you, when he doesn’t. The _nerve_ of him! You’re going to get him back from that comment, so you try to give him a low blow too.

“And I know what your problem is. You’re so used to playing the ‘starving’ artist, waxing poetically. Oh you poor tormented soul! You use it to excuse yourself from real responsibility and you think it makes you different, but really you’re just like everybody else.” You point your finger to emphasize your last point. You can’t tell if that was the worst conversation you’ve ever had, or one of the best conversations you’ve had in a long time. You were somehow both infuriated by him and intrigued. You were a lawyer after all, maybe that’s why you weren’t totally put off by the argument, and a part of you actually _liked_ it.

You become suddenly aware of how close you’re standing to him, you can count all of his freckles and can practically feel his breath. Assuming that he would move back, you stood your ground, but he remained still as his honey irises bored into yours. _This was too much_ , you thought to yourself and willed yourself away. You grab your drink off the table and turn to leave. Adam looks like he’s going to say something, but instead he keeps a smug look on his face as you watches you walk away.

You then walk off to go congratulate Marnie on her great performance, even though you have be too distracted to listen to most of it. You presumed Adam would still be around after you’ve congratulated Marnie, and you’d have a chance to finish your chat. But when you got back to where you last saw Adam, he wasn’t there. You scanned the bar for him, and he was nowhere to be seen. You guessed you wouldn’t get to finish that talk.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N and Adam find out the city is smaller than they thought

Adam can’t remember the last time he had an enjoyable argument. Or if he had ever had an enjoyable argument. God, he felt so damn alive. Y/N was frustrating, intelligent, beautiful, and stubborn. He knew those traits would spell the end of him. He watches the sway of her hips as she walks away. He can’t take his eyes of her, though he knows that she more than likely hates him after that exchange. He should have played it cool after the yuppie comment, maybe he took it too far, and scared her away already. Why couldn’t he be normal and just accept her initial compliment. Adam can’t help but wonder how he could approach her if he ever sees her again. He’s so lost in his thoughts of Y/N that he doesn’t even notice that Jessa’s moved in close to him.

“You know, you should totally fuck her,” Jessa says in her typical accent. Adam’s not sure if he’s heard her correctly so he crooks his head to watch her face to see if she’s serious or being an asshole.

“What are you saying, Jessa?”

“You obviously want to fuck her. Get it out of your system. Go for it, she’s hot, you’re hot.”

“I don’t think you have to worry about that, I think she’d more likely to push me in front of a train than fuck me.”

“You don’t know that. That argument you just had was full of passion. Something will happen between you, I’d be willing to bet on that.”

Adam laughs and shakes his head. Jessa offers him a cigarette and he follows her out for a smoke. But he can’t help but think of how much enjoyed that conversation with Y/N even if he was arguing with her. He couldn’t wait to find more about her. He didn’t think he could feel that way again and here he is. He feels hopeful, invigorated, and almost giddy. Jessa is standing close to him, and she’s looking at him with heavy lidded eyes. He finishes the cigarette then realizes that he needs to get away from Jessa. He knows her and he knows that look, she’ll try to go home with him again, or pry into his thoughts on Y/N, so she can find a way to destroy that too. He makes up an excuse to leave, and emphasizes that he needs to be alone. Jessa takes the hint, and doesn’t follow him. Half way back to his new place, Adam remembers that he didn’t even ask for Y/N’s number, he’ll just have to get it some other way.

Several days had passed since Marnie’s gig, and you were going shopping with her. You finished paying for your coffee as the two of you walk. She takes a sip of her coffee as you finally ask, “So what’s the deal with Adam, Hannah, and Jessa?”

Marnie takes a deep breath before recounting to you the whole Adam saga. She talks about how he was there for Hannah, then moved on, then came back to her. Then he moved on with Jessa, but they didn’t even tell Hannah, she had to find out a theater event. She goes off on a sidetrack by adding what a shit friend Jessa is, and according to her, that was even before the Adam thing. You listen contently as you process the information you’re getting and let her vent. Marnie finishes by adding, “I don’t understand his appeal at all. He’s into a lot of weird stuff sexually, and I found him drinking milk while on the toilet. Drinking milk on the toilet, Y/N!”

“That is pretty weird, he never gave me weird vibes. He’s definitely different though. What do you mean weird stuff sexually?” You do your best to hide your interest in that topic, but you were incredibly curious to find out what she meant by that. You could see him being the kinky type, maybe into BDSM or something. She says, “He was always doing intense dirty talk according to Hannah, and when he made a movie about his relationship with Hannah, he included a big part with a whole scene where he spanks her before they fuck.”

I knew it, you think to yourself. You could see him as the dominant type. You were going to have track that movie down and watch it for yourself. While making a movie about a past relationship didn’t sit well with you, you were more than interested in observing that one scene. You can’t help but smile as you and Marnie continue on your walk. Marnie keeps complaining about her studio apartment and how she needs to look for a new place but hasn’t found the time, or a roommate. You needed to move out your apartment too, and you would prefer a roommate because you got lonely and combined incomes could help you both afford a nicer neighborhood. You were successful as an author but you only allotted yourself so much of your income to live on so you wouldn’t fly through it. And money was easy to fly through in New York City. You told Marnie your big idea, “Marnie, we should be roommates. I need to move out of my apartment because the lease expires soon and I want to live somewhere else. Roommates are normal in the city, we get along, so why not?”

“That’s such a good idea! We could probably get a nicer place with both of our incomes combined than we could get on our own too.”

“What neighborhoods are you thinking?” You ask her and hope she doesn’t choose somewhere like the Upper Eastside, or Staten Island. She says, “Let’s look at Greenwich Village. I have an old friend who may be able to help. I mean I used to hook up with him, so he owes me.”

“Sounds great. We’ll see what happens.”

You’re sitting at one of your favorite bookstores working on outlining your next novel. You’ve had three cups of a coffee and a raspberry scone already but you can’t seem to concentrate. When you’re about to get up to walk around, hoping that some exercise may help you focus. Upon standing, you lock eyes with none other than Adam Sackler. _What_ _is_ _he_ _doing_ _here_ , you think to yourself. Continuing in your direction, he stops and gets himself a coffee, before sitting across from you. You watch him with curious eyes, he must be able to read the surprise on your face, because he answers your question without you having to ask it out loud.

“A friend of a friend of a friend told me you’d likely be here. I just wanted to say that I hope I didn’t take our ‘discussion’ too far.” He says while making the air quotes gesture when pronouncing discussion.

“Oh no, it was fine. I went to law school so an intense argument doesn’t scare me or offend me.” He raises his eyebrows at your last comments and snickers, “I should have known. You are very opinionated and argumentative.”

“Want to share more of your controversial opinions?” You say as you laugh at his reaction. Somehow you’re able to tell that he has plenty of controversial, or unique opinions, and you’re not getting any work done anyway. He smiles before he starts babbling on about how he hates ice cream. You can’t believe that!

BING! BING! Your phone goes off in the middle of your heated conversation, and Adam stops talking when he realizes that you’re reading the text you received from Marnie instead of listening to his point.

“It’s Marnie. We’re looking for a place, she got a lead on a great place.” You say as Adam hisses in response. He looks around nervously before he finally says, “You need to find a new friend group.”

“Really? I think it’s pretty clear that you liked at least half of that friend group.” You snort.

“You’re bringing that up? You weren’t even around when that happened.” Adam says with a slight bit of venom in his voice.

“I wasn’t but I am here now to see the results of it. If it makes you feel better it probably won’t be a friend group for much longer.” You say as you internally debate changing the conversation or talking it out. This could be a difficult topic to discuss but you were genuinely interested in what his feelings were about it. He dated two friends, what was he thinking? He had to know the risks and consequences.

“It was always fucked up. Even before me. Tell me what you think, I can tell you’re holding something back.”

“I think it was a dick move. It seems like you went for Jessa because you knew it would hurt Hannah the most, then when it was convenient for you, you went back to Hannah knowing it would hurt Jessa.”

“Unbelievable. You’re being a judgmental bitch about a situation that you know nothing about.”

“Probably so, but you’re still an asshole who pulled a dick move.” You say as he walks away this time. Damn, he was frustrating. He had to know how that love triangle looked and seemed. He provoked the conversation then got offended when you told him what you thought. Luckily, it was a big city and you’d likely never see him again.

***********************************************************************

Adam sits there with his face in a frown, no matter how hard he tries to hide it. He was what may be the worst blind date of his life. The redhead named Leah (at least he thinks that was her name) continues to ramble on about something on her social media account, and how annoying it was to have so many followers. Adam tries to come up with some plan of escape. He wonders why he agreed to this date, but he wanted to find someone else and move on like everyone else has. He’s moved on in every other way but his love life. And that clearly wasn’t going anywhere tonight.

He scans the room as the waiter approaches and asks if there’s anything else he can do. Adam tries to get the check but that is destroyed when Leah orders dessert. Then his eyes catch Y/N heading over to the bar. Of course she’s here, it’s the worst date of his life, there are eight million people in this city and he runs into her again. She looks amazing, as she has the other times he’s saw her. She doesn’t take his shit, she doesn’t coddle him, or even pretend to, which is a breath of fresh air from Jessa and Hannah. Though, her harshness does anger him, but he knows that she’s right. He is enraged by, intoxicated by, and aroused by her all at the same time; it’s a frustrating mix of emotions.

Y/N locks eyes with him and nods her head to acknowledge that she sees him. He moves his head in response, trying not to look miserable, but she must notice it because she watches him and his date and throws her head back to laugh. Great, if he ever sees her again, she’ll definitely bring it up. Then he notices his phone is ringing, and his date is too busy dining on her cheesecake to notice what’s going on. He answers and is surprised by the voice that talks to him, “Use this as a way to leave the date. Say it’s some kind of emergency or something.”

Adam had forgotten that he had exchanged numbers with Y/N at their last encounter before they argued and he stormed away. Here she was bailing him out, he never would have guessed that she’d try to help him out. He assumed she’d like watching him squirm, yet she found ways to surprise him and keep him on his toes. He looks to Leah and tells her it’s an emergency so he’ll have to leave soon, but he’ll get the check before he goes. Leah has no problem gathering her bag and heading out, and mercifully doesn’t mention ever seeing him again. He lets out a sigh of relief, then after paying the bill he heads over to where Y/N is perched at the bar. Taking a seat beside her, he says to her, “Thank you for that, I appreciate it. I was about to crawl under the table or fake an injury.”

“No problem, I’m a humane person. I can’t stand to see any other human or animal suffer. And that looked like the kind of torture that violates human rights treaties.” She says and takes a sip of her drink through a straw. Adam feels a rush come over him by talking to her again, and likes her sense of humor and sarcasm. He has a strange sense of humor and a lot of weird habits so he can appreciate them in someone else, especially in a beautiful woman.

“That was a terrible blind date.” He says in a mater-of-fact way, but he’s sure she noticed that it was an arranged date already.

“You should never talk to whoever set you up on that date again. They obviously hate you.” She says with a hint of laughter in her voice this time. She makes eye contact with him again, and turns her seat so she’s facing him. His eyes wander over her body from her long legs hanging over the chair up to her chest that’s rising with her breath. He remembers that he’s been glancing at her chest long enough that he fears she’ll notice so he pulls his eyes back to her face.

“Our talks are bad, but still not that bad. That was a ring of hell not mentioned by Dante.” He says, and she laughs at his response. He’s happy that he finally made her laugh, though he’s sure that he’ll soon say something and ruin the moment.

“Though, I do understand her horror at realizing that she had to socialize with you. You’re an acquired taste.” She smiles at him. He really notices how perfect her smile is: her teeth are straight and white, but don’t look like the fake perfect smiles that people buy. Her red lips are plump and practically mocking him. _Fuck_ , _I’m_ _getting_ _too_ _deep_ , he thinks to himself.

“Like a fine wine or aged cheese.” He says in a voice that shows nothing but pride. He likes this banter between them, it’s not typical flirting, but it’s them and it’s pleasant.

“Look I don’t particularly care for you and you don’t particularly care for me, we’ve established that already. But do you want a drink?” She gestures to the bartender and he turns to head their way.

“No I don’t drink, I’m a recovering alcoholic.”

“Oh well, that’s good for you. I mean that seriously, that’s good you’re sober and got help. But I’ll see ya around, my guest has arrived.” She smiles at him and he saunters off to the door. This was the first of hopefully more pleasant exchanges between them. Adam thinks that his blind date may not have gone as planned but something good did come out of it.

*****************************************************************************

“What else can I get you, Miss?” The bartender (or mixologist) asks you, jerking you out of your trance, Adam seemed to have that effect on you even when you were arguing with him, and you seemed to be in your own little world. You go choose something different, a Manhattan, rather than your normal drink of choice: vodka tonic. The restaurant has great classic foods and a great bar, so you chose it to meet up with Marc. You hadn’t told Marnie about your past as a sugar baby and you wanted to ask Marc not to mention it to her. You’d like to keep that aspect of your past as discreet as possible. You never did anything morally wrong but it wasn’t something you were proud of because of the stigma that came with it. Marnie was excited that she got the job, apparently it went both ways because Marc was also impressed with her, and actually thanked you for recommending her. When he’d thanked you, you suggested grabbing a drink just to catch up.

You took an opportunity to take in the rest of the restaurant and saw a number of people ordering drinks, getting food, or otherwise engaged. Then you saw Marc walking your way, and you were glad that he was as punctual as usual because you didn’t appreciate the nerves that came with waiting around. Marc sits next to you and he orders a whiskey sour. He breaks the silence, “It’s good to see you, Y/N. You look beautiful.”

“Hi, Marc, good to see you too. I hope all is well.” You say back as you try to hide your nerves and take another drink.

“I can’t thank you enough for sending Marnie my way, she’s perfect for the position. I think it’s going to go well.” He says and the way he’s watching you reminds you that you need to get to the point of this meeting.

“Look Marc, can you please not tell Marnie about how we met? She’s my friend and I haven’t told her about that part of my past.” He shakes his head in agreement and tells you, “Yeah, of course. I understand and I wouldn’t want to overstep my place. Can I tell her that we dated?”

“Feel free to tell her that, that won’t be an issue.” You say as you realize that you’ve finished your drink and that you need another.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N moves into her new apartment and finds out something surprising

The street was busy but it was a beautiful day: not too hot, but not too cold either. A perfect day to move into your new apartment. Marnie finished unloading her boxes and was starting to unpack. You were helping her unpack her things, because she had helped you with yours. As you folded her clothes, you decided that you should tell her about your past just so it’s out there, and if you’re going to live together honesty is the best policy.

“Marnie, can I tell you something, and do you promise to not be judgmental?” You ask her. She continues unpacking her makeup and answers, “Yeah of course, what’s up?”

“I used to be a sugar baby. There was never any sex involved or anything, but I would go out with older, wealthy men and they’d give me money. They were mostly just lonely and wanted attention.” You hear yourself spill all that out before you can stop. Marnie looks at you with a blank look on her face then says, “That’s your life. You did what you had to do, and as long as it wasn’t prostitution, good for you.”

“Thanks so much! You’re such a great friend….also that’s how I met Marc.” Marnie pulls away from your sudden hug and the disgust is clear on her face but then she laughs. You’re happy that conversation went well. She says, “Ew I’m going to pretend like I didn’t just hear that about my boss.”

As you and Marnie finish unpacking, you talk about your past relationships: the good ones and the bad ones. You’re shocked to hear about her marriage to Desi, and tell her that you’re proud of her for getting out of it. Then she talks about her thing with Ray, and how she though that he might be the one, then how it ended. You’re surprised that she met Ray through her ex, Charlie. You had never heard of Charlie before, but it was visibly a sore spot for her. You couldn’t believe that he just left her, then the story of how she met up with one night while she was married to Desi sounded like a book plot.

The hours passed by while you put the finishing touches on your room décor. You had reached a good stopping place and noticed that your dog, River, was waiting for a walk because he was standing at the door. You put him on his leash and headed off to explore your new neighborhood. He was smelling all around, as was usual for him, when you see a tall, dark, and handsome man walking your way. When the man gets closer, you can see that it’s Adam. Somehow you can’t escape that man. You can’t resist the opportunity to tease him, “What are you doing here? Stalking me now?”

“Don’t flatter yourself. I’ve lived here for months, so you’re clearly the one stalking me. Or as you lawyers say, ‘coming to the nuisance.’” He looks smug as he says that. You also can’t ignore that he looks really good: wearing a dark t-shirt that fits perfectly on his broad chest and arms, then dark jeans. Of course, his thick, dark hair looked as good as always, and didn’t have one hair out of place. Suddenly you remember that you’re wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt and your hair looks sloppy, so you decide to comment back before he gets a good look at you.

“Haven’t you lived in the same shitty place in Prospect Heights for a decade or something?”

“You’ve done your research. I did, then I got into the artist housing. You’re the one who lives next to the largest artist housing complex in the city. If you want to see me, next time, just call me.” He points back to his complex, and you realize that he’s right, it is a large artist complex. You really should have known but you won’t accept defeat that easily, especially not with Adam.

“Don’t flatter yourself. If anything, you want to see me.” You respond and raise your eyebrows and do your best to look incredulous.

“I’ve gotta go, so I won’t be able to walk you home to your dismay.” He looks around like he’s going to leave on that note. There’s no way he’s getting the last word here. You place a hand on his arm to keep him from going anywhere, and notice that his skin feels warm against your cold hand, and that he’s even more muscular than he looks. Then you pull your hand back as soon as you notice that your hand was touching him for longer than was acceptable.

“My dismay? More like my good fortune.” You recover to snap back at him.

“Oh no, if I’d ever walk you home, you’d want me to kiss you, but I wouldn’t yet, so I’d walk away and you’d call me back.” You make an exasperated noise back at him. You’re shocked that he actually said that, and annoyed at his arrogance. Clearly, he would want you to kiss him, not the other way around, but he was just trying to make you crazy. And he was doing a good job at it; he was getting under your skin like no one else could.

“I hope you’re seeing a good psychiatrist because you’re clearly detached from reality.” You finally quip back. He was delusional about what this was. You weren’t sure of your feelings towards him yet, but you kept that to yourself and wouldn’t allow him to know if you were interested. At least not yet.

“Keep on fighting it, sunshine. Cute dog, by the way.” He smiles, winks, and heads back on his way. All you can do is watch in shock. That was some kind of encounter, he was definitely flirting with you, and you definitely liked it. But you’d never admit that to him. You walk River back to your apartment and try to make some sense of your feelings, and wonder when you’ll see Adam again. Probably soon, you tell yourself, you do live close to each other.

**********************************************************************

Shoshana was talking at her normal pace which was disorienting but you were trying to keep up. The two of you had went to lunch everyday lately. She needed someone to talk to and you wanted a lunch buddy. She was nice, easy to talk to, and she liked the same girly things you did. Today, you had grabbed a quick lunch and were going to the nail salon to get pedicures.

“Y/N, be honest: do you think it is okay that I feel really distant from my other friends?”

“That’s completely normal, we outgrow people sometimes and sometimes friendships go through periods of distancing.” You try to comfort her. She shouldn’t feel guilty about focusing on what she wants, or what she values. It’s a part of growing up: some friendships make it, while others don’t, and it’s no one’s fault.

“Well good…because I just don’t feel like I have anything in common with them anymore, and they haven’t asked about the wedding once.” 

“I’m sorry that that’s happened. I’m sure they’re doing the best they can. Life can get in way of things.”

“I want you to be a bridesmaid.” Shosh blurts out.

“Are you sure?” You ask, thinking that she’s just asking because she and the rest of them are going through a rough patch in their friendship right now. You’ve never been a bridesmaid, so a part of you is thrilled with the idea and the other half is nervous.

“Absolutely. Will you do it?”

“Of course. Thanks for asking me.” You give her a quick hug, which is awkward because you both have your feet in the tub soaking. You suppose you can bridesmaid to your repertoire too.

**************************************************************************

Adam heard his apartment buzz, and he knew it was Hannah. She had just called him and said that she needed to talk to him, then he told her his new address. He was curious to find out what she desperately needed to discuss with him, he thought that things between them had been closed in a clear way. But he and Hannah had history that refused to go away, so he decided to be there for her as a friend or whatever she needed. He opens his door and Hannah walks in carrying Grover in his car seat. She looks around his place and says, “This is a cool place. A new beginning or the end of an era. Do you know that Marnie and Y/N live really close to you, you can probably see their building from here?”

“Yeah, I actually ran into Y/N not too long ago. I finally got into artist housing after all those years.” He says as he throws his hands in the air to make his point.

“I can see that, I’m glad things are coming together for you.” She says and sits down on his gold couch, a leftover from his old apartment. He was ready to part ways with the space, but he couldn’t bring himself leave the couch or dump it, so he kept it for nostalgia purposes. Grover is content in his car seat and plays with his mobile. Adam finally breaks the silence by asking, “What’s up?”

“Adam, I need to know if there’s anything left in our relationship. I know the way we left things, but then I ran into Jessa the other day and she said you two were over. It made me think that I still feel something for you, and if it didn’t work out because where I was in my life.” _Shit_ , Adam thinks. He thought things were definitely over between them, but obviously not to Hannah. He didn’t know how to let her down easy, as he thought of a way to express himself, she grabbed him and pulled him down to her. Her lips kissed his, and he couldn’t respond. To him, if there was any doubt that their relationship was over, that kiss killed it. He was kissed by Hannah and felt nothing, he really had moved on.

Hannah stops, looks at him, and laughs. He starts laughing along with her, praying that she felt nothing too. Hannah tells him, “Well that was the closure I needed. I think we’ve both really moved on this time.”

“I agree.” He tells her, and Hannah starts asking him about his life; wanting to know about his upcoming roles, auditions, and if there are any love interests. He shakes his head no to the last question, choosing not to tell Hannah that he likes Y/N. It’s too early for that, nothing may come of it. And if anything does come from it, he wants Hannah and Jessa to stay far away.

You’re getting ready to leave with your takeout order when you notice arguing between two people at a table near the window. It’s a woman and a man arguing over payment and the man pays for his then leaves, and you can hear the woman arguing with the waitress. The waitress is explaining that the man only covered his half of the bill, leaving the rest for the woman, and if she can’t pay she’ll have to do the dishes. You turn and see that it’s none other than Jessa the waitress is talking. Jessa is pleading saying that there has to be some way to work this out, and asking if the waitress saw what the guy did to her. You tell the waiter that’s handling your order to put her order on your card. The waiter says, “Oh no, you don’t have to do that. Something will work out.”

“Actually I know her so just let me cover it. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.” You say as you look over at Jessa who appears to be distressed and trying to call somebody on her phone. The waiter hands you back your card and you walk out with your food. You’re getting ready to cross the street when you hear someone clamoring behind you, and hear Jessa call out to you, “Y/N! Y/N”

“Thanks for doing that, you had no reason to, but thank you. I appreciate it.” Jessa says to you and she looks down like she’s ashamed, but you’re also sure that she never really feels shame. You covered for her, just to be nice, and didn’t expect any gratitude.

“It’s not a problem. I always think it’s better to pay it forward. I also think women should other women.” You tell her and hope that makes her feel less bad. She says to you, “Y/N you’re a good person. And I can see why Marnie, Shosh, and Hannah want to be your friend.”

You smile as you go your way and Jessa goes hers.


	6. Chapter 6

You walk into your apartment and find Hannah sitting at the table on her laptop, with notes scattered everywhere and Marnie sitting down on the living room floor playing with Grover. Your dog River runs to see you, but then returns to befriend the baby. You say hi to all of them then go to your room to change into a more comfortable outfit. You unpack your takeout, and make plates for all three of you. You sit down on the couch with your plate, and you start to tell them about your run-in with Jessa, “I ran into Jessa today. She was fighting with some guy and couldn’t pay for her food.”

“Well that’s classic Jessa. She’s always a hot mess, she causes all of these problems not caring about anyone else’s feelings and then doesn’t know why everyone is mad at her.” Marnie says and Grover starts reaching for a toy. Hannah adds, “Yeah for someone who wanted to be a therapist, she’s not very self-aware. She starts fucking and dating my ex-boyfriend, doesn’t tell me, then is shocked when I didn’t tell her I was pregnant.”

“Do any of you talk to her anymore?” You can’t help but ask because adult friendships go through waves.

“No, I told her that I wasn’t mad at her anymore but she’s not my friend. I have no idea what her life is like and she doesn’t know mine.” Hannah says and you can tell that she’s not as over it as wants to sound. Marnie then shares, “She wasn’t even supposed to be there for brunch that day and that was the last I saw her or heard from her.”

“UGH! Fuck! This article is going to kill me.” Hannah yells as Marnie shushes her. Hannah’s picking up her notebook and is bent over her laptop again. You sit down across the table from her, and ask, “What’s your article about? I thought you were copyrighting?”

“I am, that’s my day job but I got this article freelancing. It’s supposed to be on Mothering conference I went to.”

“See that’s why I don’t do essays most of the time. It’s easier to write other people’s emotions than your own. What’s the problem? How was the Mothering conference?” You ask so you can help her get through her writer’s block or maybe give her a new angle for the piece.

“It was supposed to be ‘empowering’ but it was all about mothers feeling perfect all the time and didn’t talk about the struggles facing mothers every day. I’m a proud, and ‘empowered’ single mother and it is hard, it’s really fucking hard. I don’t know why they just didn’t talk about that. Like you be a great mom and still acknowledge it’s difficult. It was façade feminist: looks feminist on the outside but hollow on the inside.” Hannah says and sighs. She walks over and picks Grover up, he smiles up at her. You then realize that’s what Hannah should write about.

“Why don’t you write what you just said about the façade feminism? Explain why it felt that way to you. And you know talk about how great being a mother is, but also how difficult it is.” You say and she smiles and says, “Yes! That sounds like a great idea!”

Hannah sits down and starts typing at a rapid pace. You and Marnie put on a new show on Hulu while Grover naps peacefully.

*****************************************************************************

“Y/N! I’m so glad you could make it! I know you’re not a dramatist like me, but I think you’ll have fun!” Your friend, Kirsten says as she leads you through her party. You had met Kirsten in law school, and she was working for legal, but her real passion was theater. She was a terrific actress and had never been afraid to put herself out there. She had a larger than life personality that you had grown accustomed to. This was her birthday party but of course, she had a band playing and had a skit plan.

You’re catching up with Kirsten as Adam Sackler walks through the door. Attempting to avoid him, you head towards the restroom. Before you can make it too far, Kirsten pulls you back and says, “Y/N, this is my friend Adam, we’re in the same cabaret group.”

Adam looks at you awkwardly and you look at him awkwardly. “Oh I know Adam, I didn’t know you were in the same cabaret group.” You finally say, and then Kirsten moves close to Adam and clutches onto his arm. You know Kirsten well enough to recognize that move: she’s going to flirt with him to see if he’s interested. Not that it means she’s interested in him, she likes to play the game more than anything. You can tell that Adam isn’t sure what to do with attention so you smile as you watch the exchange. Kirsten eventually moves along, and Adam moves to stand next to you. When you make eye contact with him, you both burst out in laughter. Once the fit of laughter has settled down you suppress your next comment.

“Kirsten is one of a kind. She’s putting the moves on you.” You raise your eyebrows provocatively at him and he shrugs his shoulders in an innocent way back at you before replying.

“She’s great but not my type.”

“What is your type then?” You question because Kirsten is gorgeous, bubbly and certainly not dull. From his relationship history, you can’t determine what his type actually is.

“You.” He’s observing your reaction with his amber eyes that you feel are boring holes into you. The look on your face is that of pure astonishment. Then, you laugh uneasily because you’re both flattered and unsure how else to respond. A change in topic is much needed at this time.

“I never saw you as a cabaret guy.” You comment.

“Well this cab group is very innovative and challenging, plus I like the artistic vision. And it’s a good break from my day job.” He says and takes a drink of his seltzer water.

“What’s your day job now?”

“I’m working on this indie film by a Romanian couple which talks about immigration and family. Think a modern _A View from the Bridge_ meets Cassavetes, if you know who he is.” Adam remarks and watches a dance group take to the middle of the floor.

“Yes, I know who Cassavetes is, he was a true visionary. Have you ever read his thoughts on method acting?” You ask. You loved some Cassavetes movies and enjoyed the class you took on him in undergrad. Adam seemed be intellectual and opinionated therefore you assumed he’d have some commentary.

“He has a point that if you mentally become the character then it’s” Kirsten interrupts Adam’s statement by grabbing his arm and yours, dragging you to the dance floor. Adam shows off his eccentric dance moves and you have nothing but respect for them as you throw a couple of your signature moves too. And this dance party goes on for hours.

***************************************************************************

Adam was walking home from Kirsten’s party with Y/N, who was tagging alongside him carrying her heels in her right hand. He was shocked when they walked out of the venue that she took off the shoes she was wearing and pulled a pair of rolled up flats out of her bag to put them on instead. After dancing for hours, the two headed home, choosing to walk together since they were going in the same direction. That’s when the conversation continued. Adam had just told Y/N about some of the stuff that he wrote, and she grabbed his arm, turning him to face her.

“Wait, you write too? Why have you never mentioned that before?” She says in an offended voice. He comes up with some rationale, “I don’t know, you never asked. I write about my life.”

Unable to think of any real reason for why never told her before, he tries to deflect. They begin walking again in order to not cause a pileup in the middle of the street.

“I bet your stuff is good. You’re very honest, which is rare anymore. Did you write the movie about you and Hannah?” She says as if she’s putting the dots together for the first time. Adam wonders how she knew about the film about his relationship with Hannah, and now he anxiously hopes she never watches it. He remembers that she’s roommates with Marnie, that’s probably how she knows about Disclosure. He shakes his head yes, choosing not to answer verbally. She stops at the corner since this is her street. Adam hopes he’ll see her again soon.

“Marnie and I are having this apartment warming thing this Friday, you should come.” She tells him and he responds with the obvious reaction, “I’d like that but are you sure I’d be welcome with all of them being there?”

“Yeah, Marnie is inviting who she wants to and I want to invite you.” Y/N says like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Adam is still surprised so he says, “Wait, does this mean you like me?”

“I tolerate you and you tolerate me. Plus we have shared interests.” Adam smiles at her like an idiot as Y/N walks away down her street. He thinks that this is good. He can survive being around Hannah and Marnie if he gets to spend time with Y/N.

******************************************************************

The restaurant bustles around you as you wonder why you agreed to meet Jess for lunch. She had contacted you to invite you out as a way to thank you for helping her out. You ordered coffee and sipped as you waited. Mentally you determined that if Jessa didn’t arrive in exactly five minutes, then you would pay for your coffee and leave but then you see her outside smoking a cigarette.

“Okay so I married to this finance guy named Thomas-John who lived in Williamsburg,” Jessa says laughing, and you respond by saying, “And the fact that he had two first names and lived in Williamsburg wasn’t a red flag? Every guy I’ve ever met with two names has turned out to be a total douche. Not to mention, the people I’ve met from Williamsburg.”

“Well I was young and stupid.” Jessa says. The two of you ended up chatting once she did arrive, and you realized that you actually thought she was fun to be around. She might not be a “best friends” type of girl but you enjoyed being around her. She continues, “I like my lifestyle, I’ve lived it since I was five years old. But everyone else has moved forward and I feel like I’m in the exact same place.”

“What do you really want to do? There has to be a way to accomplish it, and you could always do it in a non-traditional way.” She thinks about what you said, and you wonder why you’re giving her life advice when she more than likely won’t listen to you at all. Jessa raises her eyebrows and finally answers, “I want to help people figure out their lives and their trauma. I thought I wanted to be a therapist but I’m not sure if going back to school is my thing.”

“You could be a life coach. Talk about your struggles and how you got through them. Help others in similar situations.” Honestly, you couldn’t imagine Jessa sticking to anything: she was too much of a bohemian free spirit. She started smiling and thanked you for the advice, she said that she’d work on starting that. For whatever reason, you decided to invite her to your apartment warming, and she said that she’d be there.

“But you should know that Hannah will be there, and Adam was invited too. I don’t know if that will be awkward for you.”

“Uh I can manage, I’ll see you then.” She gives a hug before you both leave to go your separate ways. You suddenly worry that inviting Jessa might prove to be a mistake.


End file.
